Monitor and Adjust

When we first came to Children’s Homes and Mark began teaching in the Balcom Learning Center, he learned a new phrase: “Monitor and adjust.” Any time he asked somebody about something that changed suddenly, they would reply, “Monitor and adjust.” For a while I didn’t quite understand what that was supposed to mean. As time has gone on, I’ve begun to see what it means. Basically, it’s “Figure out what’s going on and then figure out how to work it out.” If half your class is out sick and you are supposed to give a test tomorrow, monitor and adjust. If you didn’t get the books you need to teach a topic, monitor and adjust. Assess the situation and find a new way to reach the goal.

As I’ve come to understand the phrase, I’ve begun to see how it applies to everything we do here – and, really, all of life. When you have a child home from school sick and another child has an appointment, you have to find a way to work it out. Is another housemom home who could watch the sick one? Is the sick one contagious or could she sit in the waiting room with you? Is the appointment urgent or could it be rescheduled? Don’t we all do this every day? We monitor and adjust. Just when we have a plan, something happens that we weren’t expecting and we come up with a new plan that fits the new situation.

The great thing about learning to “monitor and adjust” around here is how much help is available. If I have a conflict like the one with the sick kid, there’s a caseworker or another housemom or supervisor who is willing to help cover the situation. Someone may volunteer to take the one with the appointment or someone will care for the sick one. Sometimes when a housemom has a crisis, we’ll divide up her kids among several cottages to free her up. People have given up time off to help out when someone needs it. People have restructured their whole day or even week to give someone else the flexibility needed to get through a situation. The priority is making sure the kids are cared for and watching out for each other. I’ve seen this more than once on this campus and I’ve been on both sides of the help. It’s a great feeling to know that so many people are working together here to fulfill a ministry and everybody is ready to “monitor and adjust” to get it done.

How do you spell “relief?”

It’s been a crazy month here in our cottage. So much has been going on, including preparations for and enjoying the annual fish fry and homecoming a couple of weeks ago. I can’t say enough about all the wonderful volunteers who work so hard to help us get the campus ready for all our guests. Special recognition goes out, as always, to the precious Sojourners who come and work so hard for two weeks prior to our celebration and stay for a week after to help clean up and spend some time with the kids. They give so much of themselves during the time they’re here and make such an impact on all of us with their loving, servant hearts. They are truly a blessing.

So, what does relief mean? One company would have you believe it’s when heartburn stops – and I know that is a relief. Sometimes it means a difficult task is completed or a painful situation is resolved. Sometimes it’s reassurance that something we fear won’t take place, like when we get results from a medical test we were concerned about or our children arrive home safely when they’re traveling in bad weather. At Children’s Homes, relief has a different meaning. We talk about “relief moms” or “relief cottages” or “next week I’m on relief.” Many of you already know what that refers to. Every so often, usually about five or six weeks, the housemom gets a week off – a week of relief. The kids pack up what they will need for a week and go to a different cottage to stay. Each housemom, including the relief moms, get that week off every so often. I remember when we were learning about the program here and I thought, “I can’t believe you can get so much time off. That’s amazing! Why would they set it up that way?” It seemed almost excessive to me. That only lasted ’til I started having kids in my cottage.

I always knew this was a “24/7″ job but I had never realized exactly what that meant. I mean, how much do you have to do when the kids are in bed? But, as most things, it sounds easier than it is. For the protection of the children, their doors and windows have alarms on them so that the houseparents know if a door or window opens. Which means, when a child has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, guess who else gets up? The housemom. If a child has a nightmare or gets frightened during the night, guess who else knows about it? The housemom. If a child is sick or has a need, guess who responds to that? The housemom. I realize that every parent does those things, but when you have anywhere from four to seven kids at a time, that means a lot of interrupted sleep. There’s paperwork to do daily, which I generally do after the girls are in bed so that I have the whole day’s behaviors to base their scores on. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I rarely get to bed before 11:00 or 11:30 at night and I’m up about 15 minutes before the girls so I can be dressed and ready to take care of them when they get up. All of this is to say that probably the hardest part of this job, to me anyhow, is never getting enough rest.

The other thing that is wearying about this work is the need to always be alert and on your toes. The children who come here aren’t here for a good time. Although some come through no fault of their own (because their parents can’t or don’t care for them), most of the kids in our care have been in trouble and need to learn better living skills. Many of them are very manipulative, which isn’t healthy for them. They need to learn how to interact with people without trying to use or trick them. That takes a lot of work. Many of the kids who manipulate others have done it all their lives and it’s as natural to them as breathing. They don’t even know they are doing it until an adult points it out. Other kids are trying to “get out of this place” and may be looking for an opportunity to run away. Some will steal, some will hide contraband items in their rooms. It takes a lot of diligence on the part of the houseparents and other staff here to stay on top of these issues and protect the kids from themselves until they come to understand how harmful their old behaviors were. Being always on guard and constantly vigilant is also exhausting.

So if anyone ever says to you, “Do you know that the housemoms at Children’s Homes get 10 or 11 weeks off a year?” you can say to them, “Is that all?”

Because, as Paul Harvey used to say, now you know the rest of the story.

Grateful to be part of a team

Well, if anyone out there follows this blog regularly, I apologize to you for not posting more often. My intention when I began was to have a new post at least every other week. I have other good intentions that never see daylight – read through the Bible every year, lose 20 pounds, discover a cure for cancer, things like that. I’d like to believe that any of you who have noticed how infrequently I write can relate to the feeling of never getting done every good thing you intend to do. And that you are patient with others.

It has been an incredibly hectic summer on our campus. It seems like we were just saying “School’s almost out” and we’re already saying “School’s almost in.” In May, I wondered what I would do with the girls all summer and had actually made a list of some things we might fill our time with. I saw the list yesterday and laughed. We haven’t found the time to get any of them done. I thought we might work in the garden every week (we got there once), visit folks from church in the nursing homes or shut in (we never did), learn to sew (I made them some shorts for camp) and do some canning (I bought jars today – maybe we’ll still can some peaches).

I’m not sure I even remember what we did do with our time. I know in June we took a cottage vacation and went camping at Buffalo River. The following week some of us went to Crowley’s Ridge Youth Camp, where I was a counselor and some of the girls were campers. Most weeks we helped Ms. Trish and Mr. Brian with trail rides for CRYC one day a week. I remember lots of doctor’s appointments and literally hours on end spent in waiting rooms. Of course, Vacation Bible School took up most of one week. We recently spent a weekend with our sponsoring congregation in Martin, TN, which was delightful.

CHI also has a program in the summer called CREATE, which runs for 5 weeks. In the mornings, the day begins with a devotional and then the kids have groups (low ropes, equine or “giddy up group”). This summer in low ropes, the kids built cardboard boats and they went out to camp last Wednesday to race them in the pool. Housemoms take turns by weeks to pick the kids up and take them to Greene County Tech for lunch and then monitor their tutoring time in the afternoons. CREATE is only 3 days per week, which gives the families long weekends to plan trips or activities.

We’ve had several wonderful groups of volunteers on campus this summer, providing activities for the kids and services for the campus, which have been such a blessing. Youth groups and others come from all over in the summer to work on the campus, at the farm or whatever will benefit the work we do. We are so blessed and grateful for all the people who “hold up our arms” in this ministry.

I can tell you that the highlight of the summer for our household didn’t involve a lot of time. Well, perhaps it involved more time than I realize, but the culmination of it was only a few moments. This past Wednesday, one of our girls was baptized. Most of the girls we have had in our cottage had been baptized before they came to us so this is the first time we’ve had this pleasure. Mr. Mark (my husband and her housedad) baptized her at Hillcrest church of Christ after worship Wednesday night. It’s the most excited I’ve been since he baptized our own sons over ten years ago.

Several people congratulated us Wednesday night after the baptism. I think they felt that her decision was due to something we had said or done. But we don’t take credit for influencing this precious young girl to give her life to God. We work as a team. Houseparents live with the kids and show them what family life is like. Case workers and counselors work with them on interpersonal skills and team-building. Teachers spend time in the classroom and outside of school hours patiently helping them grasp difficult concepts. Volunteers show them God’s love in caring enough to give up their vacation time to help others and get to know the kids. Churches share in the ministry to these youngsters with their finances and their love. All of these people and more contribute to our residents seeing God in ways they’ve never seen Him before and learning how much He loves them. God uses each of us in different ways to touch these young people.

Speaking of members of the team, I would ask each of you to be praying for a special member of our team. Mrs. Toga, the houseparent supervisor and a housemom herself for the last 13 years or so, had a death in her family about a week ago. She is dearly loved by all of us at CHI and we ask you to pray for her and her family at this time. That’s the other wonderful thing about being part of a team – how many people who care and support you during good times and hard times. Thank you for your interest in being part of our team.

Why We Do What We Do

Boy, what a week! One of the girls in our cottage noticed on Friday that her eye was hurting and her vision in that eye was very blurry. As the day went on, her eye hurt worse and she developed a headache. Her vision in that eye remained blurry, in spite of her glasses. Her doctor was able to work her in that afternoon but he couldn’t see anything physically wrong. He told me to take her to the optometrist if it didn’t get better.

Over the weekend, she said her eye felt like it would burst or pop out of its socket. So I called Monday morning and the optometrist could see her at 11:00. After an hour of tests, he sent us to Jonesboro to have someone else look at her. After another hour or more of tests, that doctor wanted me to take her to a retina specialist in Memphis. As he was giving instructions about seeing the specialist, he told his nurse he suspected Stargardt’s Disease. When we got back to campus, Gary Money, one of the caseworkers and also a housedad, did some internet research and we learned that Stargardt’s is hereditary, there is no treatment or cure, and it leads to blindness. Pretty scary stuff for a 16-year-old to face. Of course, all of us were praying as we began to realize the seriousness of her situation.

Tuesday morning, we left for Memphis about 7:30. My husband, Mark, stayed behind and got the other girls to school, where he teaches as well. During Bible class that morning, he requested and worded a special prayer asking God to intervene on behalf of this young lady. Long story short, after several more hours of testing and waiting, the specialist saw “no evidence of Stargardt’s.” She did have an inflamed optic nerve and he started her immediately on some medicine and made arrangements to see us in Jonesboro on Friday. After I called Mark to share the news, he made a sign to post over the door at school that says, “God is so awesome!” He asked the kids before they went home, “So, did the other doctors misdiagnose her or did God intervene?” We’ll let you decide for yourselves but the young people here saw something that impressed them.

That night at the dinner table, Mark asked the girls if they’d thought about his question. When I asked about it, he told me what happened and explained his role simply – “One of my girls was in trouble.” At the phrase “my girls” every one of them melted. We went on to remind them that we know we’re not their parents and we don’t want to take that place in their lives but, while they’re living in our home, they are our girls.

The most exciting thing to me about the way God worked in this situation is the child He chose to help. This young lady came to us last year and claimed to be an atheist. She has maintained that claim until the last couple of months. One Sunday, before a meal, I told the girls to each say her own prayer before eating. Like all the others, she bowed her head for a few moments before she ate. Mark asked her, “Did you pray?” When she said she had, he said, “I thought you didn’t believe in God.” She grinned a little sheepishly and replied, “I’m starting to.”

On our trip to Memphis, she and I had lots of time to talk. At one point I asked, “What is it that you believe?” She replied, “That there is a God and that His son Jesus died on a cross to forgive sins.” She doesn’t yet fully understand what that means to her or how baptism fits into it. But she’s moving in the right direction and we’re thrilled to be part of the trip.

Pictures from the ice storm and the recent snow

winter at CHI

Hello! Some of you may think this blog has been discontinued. Those of you who know me understand why it has been months since there was a new post. Our e-mail address was referred to by friends in Illinois as the “Dead Sea of e-mail” – meaning messages came in but nothing ever went out! I have gotten better in the time since we left there but I’m still in recovery. For anyone out there who has been disappointed that there haven’t been new posts (hi, Mom!), I apologize.

I’d like to be able to blame the recent ice storm for the long lapse since the last posting. And, truly, we were without our internet service for 3 weeks. But since the last post was in December, that hardly covers it. However, the ice storm is fodder for this message.

It arrived during the night of Monday, January 26. Initially, I remember being amazed and thinking that things looked really beautiful. Everything was glazed with ice and there was an otherworldly quality to the campus. But even as we marveled, we knew there would be a downside. As it continued to rain for several days and continued to freeze, trouble was brewing. Standing on our carport at night, my husband compared the sounds to a battlefield. Trees and limbs were cracking and breaking all over campus. Power lines were coming down and limbs were falling on things. Our cottage had partial power through late afternoon Tuesday but others woke up to dark, cold homes that morning. Still others on campus had power all week. All three of the boys’ homes lost power from the beginning and those folks all camped in the gym for the week. Mattresses were available for everyone to sleep on the floor and there was still heat and gas to cook with. My guess is they all got pretty tired of each other by the end of the week but everybody made the best of things and got along pretty well.

As the week went on, we learned how resourceful we could be. People found lots of ways to get around the obstacles we were facing and we learned that there are lots of things we can get along without. Those who had, whether it was food, hot water, power to run something or whatever might be needed, shared with those who didn’t. The spirit of “being in this thing together” was everywhere you looked. As often happens, facing trials together pulled us closer and helped us appreciate one another more.

Of course, folks came out of the woodwork to help. Groups of volunteers were soon on campus helping clean up broken limbs and fix things the ice had broken. And our campus heroes, Perry Baker, Robert Ferguson and Cliff Henry were everywhere repairing and making life as easy as possible for us. Bill Lashley was among the folks who went out of his way (at a time when his health was giving him trouble) to see that we got power back in our home as quickly as possible. So many people helped all of us on campus in different ways. I have no idea who all of them were or even all the projects they were involved in. So, please, let me say a big thank you to all of you who, once again, selflessly made our lives better for us at CHI. God bless you all.

fall festival

Sometimes, in dealing with our kids and all the issues they face, it seems like everything is all work.  School is work, chores are work, group is work, work, work, work.  But we have a lot of fun at Children’s Homes.  One example of that is fall festival.

Fall festival started with a weinie roast.  While the hot dogs were cooking over the fire, the kids played games or just visited.  It was a time to be outside in the beautiful weather and have a good time.  Supper included hot dogs, chips, beans and s’mores for dessert.   Everyone ate all they wanted and enjoyed it.

After dinner it was time for the talent show.  We had talent displayed that many of us didn’t know existed on campus!  There was a presentation by the youngest of our residents about what fall means to them.  We had several singers doing a variety of styles of music (including a serenade of Mr. Paul and Mr. Gary).   Some of the kids did skits that were thought-provoking as well as entertaining.  And, of course, there were the acts that caught most of us by surprise, including the one by the boys of cottage 5 who showed us the “broad” range of their talents.  It was an opportunity to be serious or silly, whichever you chose, and share your fun with your friends.  At the end of the talent show came a pie-eating contest which left several members of the CHI family with something other than egg on their faces.

The evening ended with a hay ride.  Everyone piled in the wagon for a nighttime ride out to the beautiful Smith farm.  Of course, there was more singing, involving the whole group, and a great end to a great evening.  All involved came home laughing and talking about what a wonderful time they had.

Working Together

   We’ve recently come through my least-favorite day of the month as a housemom – the first Saturday of the month.  That’s the day CHI has “Working Together.”  Working Together is an excellent program in which some of our dedicated case workers spend time helping the kids we serve and their families.  They work with the parents in the mornings, helping them learn new ways of relating to their children.  Then they bring the kids in so the families can share lunch and practice the new skills the parents are learning.

   So, if it’s such a great program, why is it my least favorite day of the month?  Because of the reality of the work we do here.  The most basic reality is that the young people in our care are separated from their families.  The day is naturally going to be emotional because this is when they see each other, often for the only time all month.  Then there are several levels of difficulty for these young people.

   Some of the kids will not get to attend Working Together.  These youngsters fall into two groups.  One group is the kids who have no one who could or would come to the program.  For these kids, it’s hard not to feel isolated, abandoned and jealous on a day like this.  It seems to exemplify all the hard things in life and the negative feelings they have about themselves.  Others won’t go because, while they have parents who might come, the parents either have something that prevents them from attending (sickness, schedule conflict) or, worse, they choose not to be here.  Usually these are the kids who are most upset on this Saturday.  They typically are hoping or even expecting their folks to be here and they are eagerly looking forward to it.  It’s a tough thing to break the news that nobody came for them.  Most of them try to pretend that it’s okay and it doesn’t bother them but their behaviors through the day make it clear how they feel.  My heart breaks for them.

   Of course, a substantial number of our residents will get to participate with their families in Working Together.  They will spend the afternoon visiting, practicing new skills, showing each other what they’ve learned, and enjoying being together.  Some will even get to spend several hours afterwards in a visit – eating out, shopping, going to the park or other fun family activities.  But, at the end of the day, always there’s a separation and often there are tears.  The parents go home and leave a part of themselves behind.  The young people stay here and start counting the days until Working Together next month.

House To House

 

Julia seems surprised – what did that chicken just do?

Well, as a confirmed technophobe, I never expected that part of my “work” at the Children’s Home would be helping with a blog.  (My sons laughed out loud when they heard it because they know how often they have to walk me through some complicated process like checking my e-mail or printing out my Christmas letter.)  But we’ll see how this goes.

My husband and I have been houseparents since October, 2007.  We did “relief” for the first nine months and got our own cottage of girls four weeks ago.  For those math or detail people who aren’t able to make those numbers jive, we had three weeks in July without any kids while he was going through and recovering from quintuple bypass surgery.  For any of you out there who know us and were praying for us, let me say thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers.  We felt them and they strengthened us.  God has been incredibly good to us and the whole CHI crew did everything possible to help.  Mark is making an amazing recovery and life is getting back into a routine.

This week on CHI campus much of the routine revolves around the Greene County Fair.  All of the residents and many of the houseparents’ kids are involved in 4-H and several care for animals at the Smith farm.  They show their animals at the county and district fairs.  Among the animals we show are chickens (I guess technically they are called broilers), goats, and hogs.  Some of the kids have shown cattle and they also do some horse shows.  They enjoy and benefit from the work they do with the animals.  Often the kids will experience an “AHA!” moment while working with the animals that helps them see more clearly how they can change their lives and benefit from the changes.  A lot of time, money and effort on the parts of a lot of people go into making these opportunities possible for our kids and we are grateful for all those (on and off campus) who make it happen.  So far this week we have produced first, second, third, 2 fourths, fifth and grand champion in hogs, and grand and reserve champions in broilers.  It’s so thrilling to see the kids achieve and have a sense of pride about something they’ve accomplished.  Some of them have never experienced that before and it’s a wonderful new feeling.

Another part of the program here that’s very important is helping the kids learn to work and to serve others.  It’s vital for them to set self aside for a time (a difficult thing for all of us) and meet needs of other people.  So we’re always glad to have times when we can help out in some way.  In that spirit, another aspect of the fair that some of our kids were involved in was manning a petting zoo on the first day.  They helped little children pet and get to know some animals on loan from individuals and ASU, including a pony, calves, ducks, chickens, bunnies and a ewe with 9-day-old lambs.  It was a great experience for them to interact with the children as well as the animals and everyone came away happy.