Letting go

I mentioned in my last post that our sons will both be graduating from CRC in May and one of our cottage girls will be graduating from CRA. So I am finding myself thinking a lot about letting go. I know every parent has to go through the process of letting go of her children as they grow up and leave the nest. I haven’t had as hard a time letting go of my boys as I expected to – partly because they still are living in our home but “doing their own thing” (this is more like a dorm for them). We’ll see how independent they really are and how well I’ve let go when they move out completely. But I’m finding myself struggling with how to let go of a resident child.

Many of the kids we serve have been through terrible traumas in their lives. Many of them have been abused, physically or sexually or both, and some come from situations that I can’t imagine and get nightmares when I try. That kind of a background makes these kids very suspicious and they don’t know how to trust adults. The adults in their lives have surely not been trustworthy and they don’t intend to take a chance on someone else treating them that badly. So they decide that they need to be in control of their lives and their worlds in order to protect themselves. The only person they can trust is themselves and they don’t want anyone they don’t trust to have control over anything.

When these kids come to us, it’s a battle. Our job is to teach them that while there are adults who have hurt them and there are even other adults out there who would try to, there are adults here they can trust. The adults here want to help these kids heal and grow and succeed. We want them to have happy, productive lives. But a kid who can’t trust won’t allow us to help. So we have to teach them to trust us. One way to do that is to teach them to give up that control. They must become dependent on us for everything and see that we are caring for them, sometimes more (and always better) than they care for themselves. This is one of the hardest things these kids will ever do. Some will fight it for months or even years. It’s a tiring thing for the child and the adults to wage this battle for control but, for the sake of the young person, it’s important for the adults to win. Only when this kid relinquishes control and begins to trust us can we really help.

So now the kid learns to trust and becomes dependent on us. But then it’s time to graduate and move on. Now we go from the houseparent making all the decisions to the young person learning to make decisions for herself. Now we move from dependence to independence. Suddenly, the rules are changing again. And life once again becomes very scary.

I’ve made it very clear to all the girls in our care that I am not their mom. Most of them have mothers who love them and want the best for them. I am a “mother figure” who is filling that role while they are in my care. But at the same time, I have treated them like my own. I love my girls and want them to know it. I have concerns for them just like I always have for my own sons. So now I find myself trying to prepare one of them to be on her own. And I question everything I’m doing – is that too much freedom or not enough? Is she ready to handle that situation or should it wait a while longer? Do I let her try this and learn from her mistakes or would the consequences of the potential mistakes be too costly? Have I made her too dependent on me and caused her not to be ready for her future? And how do I let go? I’m grateful God won’t ever let go – of her or of me.

Details, details

This is the end of my week of “relief” – that is, the week that my girls are at a different cottage and I have some time off. So how have I used it? I “found” my desk (I knew it was there under all that paperwork and such), finished painting our side of the cottage and got pictures hung, thanks to my wonderful and patient husband. I finally got the kitchen on our side a little bit organized, did a pile of filing and plan to hang some curtains tomorrow after church. I did spend a little time just relaxing and my husband made the comment this morning: “You like sleeping in.” Of course, we both realized that I rarely get to bed on time when the girls are with us and morning comes way too early for me to be a very happy camper when I get up. But, in spite of that, we’re always glad when the girls get back and I think the girls are glad, too.

Details, details. What’s up with that? I was just thinking about all the little details that come into play as we care for “our” kids. Some of those details are things I’d never have thought of before we came here. For instance, one of the things on my desk, which I still need to update and retype, is a disaster plan. What do we need to do if there’s a fire, an earthquake, a tornado or other crisis? It’s all outlined in a detailed plan which is explained to each child when she comes to live in our home and posted where everyone can read it. Each month we are required to have a fire drill and every three months a storm drill. That way, if something ever happens we are all prepared and the kids know exactly where to go and what to do. We have a designated meeting place so that we know that everyone is safe and accounted for and we practice regularly so that we don’t have to figure it out in a moment of crisis. That’s not a bad plan for every family. But it isn’t something we ever thought to do when our sons were younger.

Some of the details, though, are unique to this kind of setting. For example, putting away leftovers after a meal. Any leftovers must be labeled and dated before putting them in the fridge or the cabinet. After 3 days, if they haven’t been used, they must be disposed of. And nothing can be reheated more than once. Erma Bombeck would have a conniption if she read that – her chapter about putting leftovers back “to make soup out of” had me rolling in the floor when I read it. All canisters must be labeled with the contents and dated when refilled. It’s not enough to be able to see that it’s sugar – you must also read that it’s sugar and know when you put a new bag in. There’s paperwork to keep up with as far as when kids have had eye exams, physicals, dental exams and annual TB tests. There are daily Character Climbs to be filled out so that the girls know how they are doing and what areas they need to work harder on. There are meetings about rules, meetings about behaviors, meetings about privileges and meetings about meetings. So many details.

Some days the details make me tired. Some days I wonder how many more details I can keep track of. But I recently realized why that is a good thing. Most of these details are mandated, many of them by the state. And I realized that keeping track of all these details is a way of protecting the children in our care. Which means that at some point somebody probably wasn’t watching out for the details. Some child wasn’t being cared for properly and someone realized that correcting the current problem meant keeping track of some of these details. So now we do. I think that means that other people care about our kids, too, and they are watching out for us as we watch out for them. That’s why the details are important.

A new year

Whew! We made it through the holidays again. I don’t know about anyone else, but as much as I enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas and even New Year’s, I was so ready for the girls to go back to school and for us to get back into a routine.

Now, I must explain part of my impatience. The day after Thanksgiving, we moved to a different home. The home we were in (#6) is going to be used differently in the near future and there’s going to be some shuffling around. So on “Black Friday” when many people were out (shudder) shopping, we were loading a truck for the lo-o-ong move to Home #1. We worked two weekends getting everything moved over but by the end of the day on the second Saturday, we had everything transported and even had the Christmas tree up and decorated.

There’s still a lot of stuff in our quarters that’s waiting to be unpacked or to find a permanent home but we were settled enough to take part in all the traditional Christmas activities. The girls had a wonderful Christmas and, as usual, so many people were so very generous. Several of the girls were absolutely overwhelmed.

So, what will a new year mean in Home #1? If it’s a typical year at CHI, it will mean that some of the girls who are with us now will leave us before we see another Christmas. We know that one of them should graduate in May and plans to attend CRC in the fall. (Both of our sons will also be graduating in May but they will be finishing CRC. I’ve already received a promise from one of the caseworkers to have a case of tissues drop-shipped to the house.) Others of the girls may complete the program and get to go home. The new year will also, if it’s typical, mean that we will have new girls coming to live with us before next Christmas. They will likely have a difficult time for a while as they adjust to being here and to the program. Just yesterday I had a conversation with one of the girls who has come to appreciate what this program means for her and the help she is getting here. She grinned as I said something about “butting heads” with a lot of the kids just after they come in, and she agreed that she and I did a lot of that early on. But she also recognizes now that we love her and the things we were so “mean” or “fussy” about were for her benefit. She laughed when I made reference to the fact that someone had described me as a “bitter old shrew” and admitted that she used to think that, too. But she was shocked to know who had said it because that young lady now loves us and is grateful to be where she is. That’s the kind of thing I hope we see the most of in 2010 – the young people in our care coming to see God working through us to help them change.

Helping Hands

I got an e-mail this week from Kim at the Community Involvement Center office. (Many of you have talked to Kim when you’ve called Children’s Homes about making donations or buying Christmas gifts or volunteering somehow.) It said, “You’ve received some Helping Hands gifts. They are sorted and labeled by cottage in the conference room.” Around here, that’s always a great message to get.

You see, Kim keeps a running list of things that each housemom would like to have for her cottage. It may include bath towels, DVDs for the kids, a new mixer or whatever she thinks would be helpful to her in caring for the young people in her charge. When a church or a family or an individual calls and wants to do something special, Kim can tell them what each housemom would like and they purchase items off those lists. When those gifts arrive, Kim sorts them out and notifies us of our “Helping Hands” gifts.

This week that message got me thinking about all the “helping hands” we have on our campus. (I’m about to get in trouble because I may miss somebody or incorrectly describe their jobs.) There’s Kim, who handles Helping Hands lists and Christmas lists and a list of other lists and tasks to care for us. Denise helps keep our bank accounts and receipts straight and a host of other jobs. Cindy keeps track of a myriad of things, most notably your memorial and honor gifts and Change for Children. David and Debi manage all the money. Terry manages to find wounderful opportunities for the kids and interacts with churches and groups to benefit the home, as well as handling advertising and publishing. Of course, Micah and the Balcoms are busy all the time in behalf of the Home and the kids we help. And all those people are in the CIC!

Down at the Balcom Learning Center, we meet Vickie, who has a role in keeping nearly everything going for the caseworkers and housemoms. Mrs. Toga, the houseparent supervisor, is everywhere at once it seems, helping anybody who needs it with anything they need. The case workers – Trish, Gary, Justin and Janet – are great with the kids and share insights with the housemoms that help us find new ways to address issues with them. Paul directs the program and leads groups. And then there are the wonderful teachers in the BLC – Mrs. Cindy, Mrs. Betty, Mrs. Carolyn, Mrs. Judy, Mr. Sam, Mr. David, Mr. Brian and (my personal favorite) Mr. Mark. Ron, Brad and Samantha work with the kids one-on-one to help them find new ways to think about and solve their problems.

Outside (and sometimes insided) the BLC are Perry, Robert and Cliff. Any time something breaks or needs maintenance, one of these men will be on the spot to take care of it, often the same day we report it. There have been times when we’ve had a problem with a leak or the heating or cooling systems and Perry has come over late in the evening to look at it for us.

Others who help us aren’t on campus all the time but are a big part of our week. Kathy takes care of the food room and is on campus several days each week sorting groceries, ordering things we need and having the food room open for us to pick up supplies. Several people – Vickie, Stephanie, Richard and Toga among them – do nights out. That means they come to the homes one night per week for 4 hours and care for the kids while the houseparents and their own children have some family time. That little bit of time off each week keeps us going and allows us time to focus on our own families without distractions.

All these helpers are on campus pretty much every week. But there are many more who help us without a job title or a lot of attention. I can’t possibly name them all because I don’t even know about all of them. These humble servants don’t help us for praise or to be noticed. They love God and children and they find ways to be a blessing. There are people who sort out and organize all the donations we receive. There are those who help keep our campus looking nice. There are people who cook for us. There are many who do things that we don’t notice – unless they aren’t done. And there are those who donate money, groceries and other needed supplies, without which it would be impossible to meet the needs of our kids. So let me say a HUGE “thank you” to all of our helping hands. We love and appreciate you all.

Monitor and Adjust

When we first came to Children’s Homes and Mark began teaching in the Balcom Learning Center, he learned a new phrase: “Monitor and adjust.” Any time he asked somebody about something that changed suddenly, they would reply, “Monitor and adjust.” For a while I didn’t quite understand what that was supposed to mean. As time has gone on, I’ve begun to see what it means. Basically, it’s “Figure out what’s going on and then figure out how to work it out.” If half your class is out sick and you are supposed to give a test tomorrow, monitor and adjust. If you didn’t get the books you need to teach a topic, monitor and adjust. Assess the situation and find a new way to reach the goal.

As I’ve come to understand the phrase, I’ve begun to see how it applies to everything we do here – and, really, all of life. When you have a child home from school sick and another child has an appointment, you have to find a way to work it out. Is another housemom home who could watch the sick one? Is the sick one contagious or could she sit in the waiting room with you? Is the appointment urgent or could it be rescheduled? Don’t we all do this every day? We monitor and adjust. Just when we have a plan, something happens that we weren’t expecting and we come up with a new plan that fits the new situation.

The great thing about learning to “monitor and adjust” around here is how much help is available. If I have a conflict like the one with the sick kid, there’s a caseworker or another housemom or supervisor who is willing to help cover the situation. Someone may volunteer to take the one with the appointment or someone will care for the sick one. Sometimes when a housemom has a crisis, we’ll divide up her kids among several cottages to free her up. People have given up time off to help out when someone needs it. People have restructured their whole day or even week to give someone else the flexibility needed to get through a situation. The priority is making sure the kids are cared for and watching out for each other. I’ve seen this more than once on this campus and I’ve been on both sides of the help. It’s a great feeling to know that so many people are working together here to fulfill a ministry and everybody is ready to “monitor and adjust” to get it done.

How do you spell “relief?”

It’s been a crazy month here in our cottage. So much has been going on, including preparations for and enjoying the annual fish fry and homecoming a couple of weeks ago. I can’t say enough about all the wonderful volunteers who work so hard to help us get the campus ready for all our guests. Special recognition goes out, as always, to the precious Sojourners who come and work so hard for two weeks prior to our celebration and stay for a week after to help clean up and spend some time with the kids. They give so much of themselves during the time they’re here and make such an impact on all of us with their loving, servant hearts. They are truly a blessing.

So, what does relief mean? One company would have you believe it’s when heartburn stops – and I know that is a relief. Sometimes it means a difficult task is completed or a painful situation is resolved. Sometimes it’s reassurance that something we fear won’t take place, like when we get results from a medical test we were concerned about or our children arrive home safely when they’re traveling in bad weather. At Children’s Homes, relief has a different meaning. We talk about “relief moms” or “relief cottages” or “next week I’m on relief.” Many of you already know what that refers to. Every so often, usually about five or six weeks, the housemom gets a week off – a week of relief. The kids pack up what they will need for a week and go to a different cottage to stay. Each housemom, including the relief moms, get that week off every so often. I remember when we were learning about the program here and I thought, “I can’t believe you can get so much time off. That’s amazing! Why would they set it up that way?” It seemed almost excessive to me. That only lasted ’til I started having kids in my cottage.

I always knew this was a “24/7″ job but I had never realized exactly what that meant. I mean, how much do you have to do when the kids are in bed? But, as most things, it sounds easier than it is. For the protection of the children, their doors and windows have alarms on them so that the houseparents know if a door or window opens. Which means, when a child has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, guess who else gets up? The housemom. If a child has a nightmare or gets frightened during the night, guess who else knows about it? The housemom. If a child is sick or has a need, guess who responds to that? The housemom. I realize that every parent does those things, but when you have anywhere from four to seven kids at a time, that means a lot of interrupted sleep. There’s paperwork to do daily, which I generally do after the girls are in bed so that I have the whole day’s behaviors to base their scores on. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I rarely get to bed before 11:00 or 11:30 at night and I’m up about 15 minutes before the girls so I can be dressed and ready to take care of them when they get up. All of this is to say that probably the hardest part of this job, to me anyhow, is never getting enough rest.

The other thing that is wearying about this work is the need to always be alert and on your toes. The children who come here aren’t here for a good time. Although some come through no fault of their own (because their parents can’t or don’t care for them), most of the kids in our care have been in trouble and need to learn better living skills. Many of them are very manipulative, which isn’t healthy for them. They need to learn how to interact with people without trying to use or trick them. That takes a lot of work. Many of the kids who manipulate others have done it all their lives and it’s as natural to them as breathing. They don’t even know they are doing it until an adult points it out. Other kids are trying to “get out of this place” and may be looking for an opportunity to run away. Some will steal, some will hide contraband items in their rooms. It takes a lot of diligence on the part of the houseparents and other staff here to stay on top of these issues and protect the kids from themselves until they come to understand how harmful their old behaviors were. Being always on guard and constantly vigilant is also exhausting.

So if anyone ever says to you, “Do you know that the housemoms at Children’s Homes get 10 or 11 weeks off a year?” you can say to them, “Is that all?”

Because, as Paul Harvey used to say, now you know the rest of the story.

Grateful to be part of a team

Well, if anyone out there follows this blog regularly, I apologize to you for not posting more often. My intention when I began was to have a new post at least every other week. I have other good intentions that never see daylight – read through the Bible every year, lose 20 pounds, discover a cure for cancer, things like that. I’d like to believe that any of you who have noticed how infrequently I write can relate to the feeling of never getting done every good thing you intend to do. And that you are patient with others.

It has been an incredibly hectic summer on our campus. It seems like we were just saying “School’s almost out” and we’re already saying “School’s almost in.” In May, I wondered what I would do with the girls all summer and had actually made a list of some things we might fill our time with. I saw the list yesterday and laughed. We haven’t found the time to get any of them done. I thought we might work in the garden every week (we got there once), visit folks from church in the nursing homes or shut in (we never did), learn to sew (I made them some shorts for camp) and do some canning (I bought jars today – maybe we’ll still can some peaches).

I’m not sure I even remember what we did do with our time. I know in June we took a cottage vacation and went camping at Buffalo River. The following week some of us went to Crowley’s Ridge Youth Camp, where I was a counselor and some of the girls were campers. Most weeks we helped Ms. Trish and Mr. Brian with trail rides for CRYC one day a week. I remember lots of doctor’s appointments and literally hours on end spent in waiting rooms. Of course, Vacation Bible School took up most of one week. We recently spent a weekend with our sponsoring congregation in Martin, TN, which was delightful.

CHI also has a program in the summer called CREATE, which runs for 5 weeks. In the mornings, the day begins with a devotional and then the kids have groups (low ropes, equine or “giddy up group”). This summer in low ropes, the kids built cardboard boats and they went out to camp last Wednesday to race them in the pool. Housemoms take turns by weeks to pick the kids up and take them to Greene County Tech for lunch and then monitor their tutoring time in the afternoons. CREATE is only 3 days per week, which gives the families long weekends to plan trips or activities.

We’ve had several wonderful groups of volunteers on campus this summer, providing activities for the kids and services for the campus, which have been such a blessing. Youth groups and others come from all over in the summer to work on the campus, at the farm or whatever will benefit the work we do. We are so blessed and grateful for all the people who “hold up our arms” in this ministry.

I can tell you that the highlight of the summer for our household didn’t involve a lot of time. Well, perhaps it involved more time than I realize, but the culmination of it was only a few moments. This past Wednesday, one of our girls was baptized. Most of the girls we have had in our cottage had been baptized before they came to us so this is the first time we’ve had this pleasure. Mr. Mark (my husband and her housedad) baptized her at Hillcrest church of Christ after worship Wednesday night. It’s the most excited I’ve been since he baptized our own sons over ten years ago.

Several people congratulated us Wednesday night after the baptism. I think they felt that her decision was due to something we had said or done. But we don’t take credit for influencing this precious young girl to give her life to God. We work as a team. Houseparents live with the kids and show them what family life is like. Case workers and counselors work with them on interpersonal skills and team-building. Teachers spend time in the classroom and outside of school hours patiently helping them grasp difficult concepts. Volunteers show them God’s love in caring enough to give up their vacation time to help others and get to know the kids. Churches share in the ministry to these youngsters with their finances and their love. All of these people and more contribute to our residents seeing God in ways they’ve never seen Him before and learning how much He loves them. God uses each of us in different ways to touch these young people.

Speaking of members of the team, I would ask each of you to be praying for a special member of our team. Mrs. Toga, the houseparent supervisor and a housemom herself for the last 13 years or so, had a death in her family about a week ago. She is dearly loved by all of us at CHI and we ask you to pray for her and her family at this time. That’s the other wonderful thing about being part of a team – how many people who care and support you during good times and hard times. Thank you for your interest in being part of our team.

Why We Do What We Do

Boy, what a week! One of the girls in our cottage noticed on Friday that her eye was hurting and her vision in that eye was very blurry. As the day went on, her eye hurt worse and she developed a headache. Her vision in that eye remained blurry, in spite of her glasses. Her doctor was able to work her in that afternoon but he couldn’t see anything physically wrong. He told me to take her to the optometrist if it didn’t get better.

Over the weekend, she said her eye felt like it would burst or pop out of its socket. So I called Monday morning and the optometrist could see her at 11:00. After an hour of tests, he sent us to Jonesboro to have someone else look at her. After another hour or more of tests, that doctor wanted me to take her to a retina specialist in Memphis. As he was giving instructions about seeing the specialist, he told his nurse he suspected Stargardt’s Disease. When we got back to campus, Gary Money, one of the caseworkers and also a housedad, did some internet research and we learned that Stargardt’s is hereditary, there is no treatment or cure, and it leads to blindness. Pretty scary stuff for a 16-year-old to face. Of course, all of us were praying as we began to realize the seriousness of her situation.

Tuesday morning, we left for Memphis about 7:30. My husband, Mark, stayed behind and got the other girls to school, where he teaches as well. During Bible class that morning, he requested and worded a special prayer asking God to intervene on behalf of this young lady. Long story short, after several more hours of testing and waiting, the specialist saw “no evidence of Stargardt’s.” She did have an inflamed optic nerve and he started her immediately on some medicine and made arrangements to see us in Jonesboro on Friday. After I called Mark to share the news, he made a sign to post over the door at school that says, “God is so awesome!” He asked the kids before they went home, “So, did the other doctors misdiagnose her or did God intervene?” We’ll let you decide for yourselves but the young people here saw something that impressed them.

That night at the dinner table, Mark asked the girls if they’d thought about his question. When I asked about it, he told me what happened and explained his role simply – “One of my girls was in trouble.” At the phrase “my girls” every one of them melted. We went on to remind them that we know we’re not their parents and we don’t want to take that place in their lives but, while they’re living in our home, they are our girls.

The most exciting thing to me about the way God worked in this situation is the child He chose to help. This young lady came to us last year and claimed to be an atheist. She has maintained that claim until the last couple of months. One Sunday, before a meal, I told the girls to each say her own prayer before eating. Like all the others, she bowed her head for a few moments before she ate. Mark asked her, “Did you pray?” When she said she had, he said, “I thought you didn’t believe in God.” She grinned a little sheepishly and replied, “I’m starting to.”

On our trip to Memphis, she and I had lots of time to talk. At one point I asked, “What is it that you believe?” She replied, “That there is a God and that His son Jesus died on a cross to forgive sins.” She doesn’t yet fully understand what that means to her or how baptism fits into it. But she’s moving in the right direction and we’re thrilled to be part of the trip.

Pictures from the ice storm and the recent snow

winter at CHI

Hello! Some of you may think this blog has been discontinued. Those of you who know me understand why it has been months since there was a new post. Our e-mail address was referred to by friends in Illinois as the “Dead Sea of e-mail” – meaning messages came in but nothing ever went out! I have gotten better in the time since we left there but I’m still in recovery. For anyone out there who has been disappointed that there haven’t been new posts (hi, Mom!), I apologize.

I’d like to be able to blame the recent ice storm for the long lapse since the last posting. And, truly, we were without our internet service for 3 weeks. But since the last post was in December, that hardly covers it. However, the ice storm is fodder for this message.

It arrived during the night of Monday, January 26. Initially, I remember being amazed and thinking that things looked really beautiful. Everything was glazed with ice and there was an otherworldly quality to the campus. But even as we marveled, we knew there would be a downside. As it continued to rain for several days and continued to freeze, trouble was brewing. Standing on our carport at night, my husband compared the sounds to a battlefield. Trees and limbs were cracking and breaking all over campus. Power lines were coming down and limbs were falling on things. Our cottage had partial power through late afternoon Tuesday but others woke up to dark, cold homes that morning. Still others on campus had power all week. All three of the boys’ homes lost power from the beginning and those folks all camped in the gym for the week. Mattresses were available for everyone to sleep on the floor and there was still heat and gas to cook with. My guess is they all got pretty tired of each other by the end of the week but everybody made the best of things and got along pretty well.

As the week went on, we learned how resourceful we could be. People found lots of ways to get around the obstacles we were facing and we learned that there are lots of things we can get along without. Those who had, whether it was food, hot water, power to run something or whatever might be needed, shared with those who didn’t. The spirit of “being in this thing together” was everywhere you looked. As often happens, facing trials together pulled us closer and helped us appreciate one another more.

Of course, folks came out of the woodwork to help. Groups of volunteers were soon on campus helping clean up broken limbs and fix things the ice had broken. And our campus heroes, Perry Baker, Robert Ferguson and Cliff Henry were everywhere repairing and making life as easy as possible for us. Bill Lashley was among the folks who went out of his way (at a time when his health was giving him trouble) to see that we got power back in our home as quickly as possible. So many people helped all of us on campus in different ways. I have no idea who all of them were or even all the projects they were involved in. So, please, let me say a big thank you to all of you who, once again, selflessly made our lives better for us at CHI. God bless you all.